Apology and Reparation in the Muslim World

Nancy Kobrin, PhD, Joan Lachkar, PhD

Michael Oren has written a stellar call for “An End to Israel’s Invisibility” vis à vis the current Israeli-Palestinian conflict and peace talks. His eloquence foregrounds why there has been an inability on the part of the Palestinians to resolve the conflict – their persistent denial of Israel’s right to exist as a Jewish democratic state. Is it denial? Why is it that the Palestinians and the ummah can’t apologize for their persistent teaching of anti-Semitism and hatred to their children? Why is it that the Palestinians can't assume responsibility for inflaming the violence and destruction of their very own culture and religion through its unique choice of weaponry - the suicide bomber, especially the female and child suicide bomber?

Of course this does not apply to all Muslims but the basic problem dovetails with the inability to recognize Israel. While there are millions of moderate Muslims, Muslims teach their children that Jews are monkeys and pigs and that they should be annihilated. How then could a Jewish democracy be acceptable to the Palestinians?


It is noteworthy how almost every religious group, nation, culture has come to terms with their war crimes, and if they haven’t at least the issue is addressed by certain members of the group who insist upon it. Why is it that Muslim leaders can never apologize for their wrongdoings or even attempt to make reparation. If they ever do, a more common reaction is 'but you do it too!'

We can even look to Germany to see how German leaders have made amends. Germany is a great example of a zealous effort to make reparation for their war crimes. Or Christians as well blaming the Jews for the death of Jesus have come to terms with such blatant anti-Semitism. Or even in Japan where they have avoided telling the truth about their war crimes in their history books, are at least struggling with these issues. Why is it that some nations and their leaders can come to terms with their wrongdoings and others can't?

To answer these questions we must examine the concept of shame. Shame/honor cultures are so preoccupied with saving face they cannot admit to owning up to responsibility for their crimes.

Why does this differ from guilt cultures such as Germany? In a paper written by Berton/Lachkar, we recognized Germany and other countries, which are predominately Judeo-Christian imbued in religious values, as being fundamentally oriented toward feeling guilt and making reparation as compared to shame/honor cultures like Arab Muslim and other Muslim nations.

We might speculate that the differences how various groups, nations deal with reparation has to do with one thing and one thing only--the ability to mourn. Mourning in Judeo-Christian religions are fundamental aspects. With this comes guilt as well known in Judaism and Christianity where one has to answer to a higher power. This answering is not about “honor” but about making reparation for one’s sins - respectively selichot and mea culpa.

We can speculate further that in Muslim culture -- revenge, retaliation and fighting back -- become the replacement for mourning and loss. In contrast to the Japanese who gave aggression its due after WWII, yet were able to redirect and channel their aggressive energies into a positive adaptive way through an economic whirlwind after the war, and as xenophobic as they are, Japan still is part of the world’s national economic trade system.

Even though the Japanese continue to struggle to reveal the “truth" about war crimes in their school textbooks and those crimes continued to be swept under the rug, education, music and art were encouraged not only in Japan but throughout the Asian region.

This issue of assuming responsibility is crucial for any kind of genuine political or ecumenical discussions. For example when Pope Benedict made his comments about violence and Islam, there was an uproar. At Jihad Watch several years ago it was noted that the former Spanish Prime Minister José María Aznar said that the Muslims should apologize for having invaded Spain and having colonized it for 800 years.

Tellingly, an Afghan woman colleague said that Tariq Ibn Ziad, the commander who invaded Spain in 711, had been invited to do so!! From the Muslim narrative, those who were on the verge of being defeated may have asked for help. Nevertheless, that is stretching the truth or better yet a good symptom of being in denial.

The inability for introspection - not being able to see Muslims as invaders or infiltrators - fails to acknowledge defeat and to mourn loss.

It should come as no surprise that Al Qaeda believes that Spain should be theirs. Furthermore it emboldens the Palestinians no matter how tangentially they may be affiliated with the likes of Al Qaeda, radical Islam, the Muslim Brotherhood and even Ahmadinejad and his Hezbollah proxies on the northern doorstep of Israel. The emboldening is the slippery slope into open bloody conflict. This is due to the hatred of the Jew and Israel being so deeply engrained in the Muslim psyche. It will take generations to undo such brainwashing.

What is it about apologizing that makes it nearly unacceptable in Muslim culture? The answer is paranoid anxiety and trust as a key component. The inability to trust others places them on the defense all the time. Attacking, denying and blaming shields an inherently weak and fragile group self of the ummah, the tribes/clans. They are always moaning and groaning, blaming and scapegoating while at the same time translocating their victimized fragile selves into their women and children whom they brutalize and coerce. Ultimately, the women and children capitulate into being female and child suicide bombers and worse yet objects of sexual abuse, incest and honor killing. (See Islam in Europe Blog, October 11, 2010)

So to conclude, this cultural indicator has gone unchecked. Time has come to demand full accountability -- Israel is a Jewish and democractic state. If the Palestinians want peace, the first step is for them to come to terms with their aggression, to take steps toward reparation, to mourn with their losses and to start to apologize. They must put an end to murdering their very own as well as Israelis. Until then there will be no peace.

FamilySecurityMatters.org Contributor Dr. Nancy Kobrin, a psychoanalyst with a Ph.D. in romance and semitic languages, specializes in Aljamía and Old Spanish in Arabic script. She is an expert on the Minnesota Somali diaspora and a graduate of the Human Terrain System program at Leavenworth Kansas. Her new book is The Banality of Suicide Terrorism: The Naked Truth About the Psychology of Islamic Suicide Bombing.

FamilySecurityMatters.org Contributor Dr. Joanie Jutta Lachkar is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in private practice in Brentwood and Tarzana, California, who teaches psychoanalysis and is the author of The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple: A Psychoanalytic Perspective on Marital Treatment (1992, The Many Faces of Abuse: Treating the Emotional Abuse of High -Functioning Women (1998), The V-Spot, How to Talk to a Narcissist, How to Talk to a Borderline and a recent paper, “The Psychopathology of Terrorism” presented at the Rand Corporation and the International Psychohistorical Association. She is also an affiliate member for the New Center for Psychoanalysis.