"Folks of America, my pals in Congress and the Supreme Court, and my pals overseas and across the border:
"As you all well know, I'm going to transform this country, whether or not Americans like it. If Congress and the states won't help me, I'll do it myself with my executive powers. Americans are just going to have to eat it. Do I intend to turn this country into a third-rate country like Mexico? Yes. It's about time it was knocked down to size.
"How am I going to do this? I will further bankrupt it with more TARP-like financial boondoggles, industry bailouts, costly subsidies to companies not likely to succeed, increasing the powers of government surveillance on ordinary Americans, recruiting the EPA to enforce rules guaranteed to drive coal and oil out of business, imposing a healthcare insurance scheme on the country that will really hurt Americans in the pocketbook, and forcing everyone to kowtow to the government and its programs whether or not they like it. Oh, there are so many ways to screw this country!
"Don't like it? Tough. Eat it. Your senators and representatives - generations of them - voted government those powers and now we're going to use them like there's no tomorrow. After all, it's doubtful I'll have a third term. It's our hope that that harridan, Hillary, will pick up where we leave off, if she's nominated and runs for election. We can fix that election, too. She's for what I'm for, although she's not as good a dissimulator as I am. Dissimulator? Me?? Using a five-syllable word! Shame on me! Sounds like a thing that processes nuclear fuel in Iran!
"You know Michelle and I really hate this country. It isn't black or brown enough. So I've reached an understanding with Mexico and several Central American governments to send their diseased and pliable mosquitoes north across the border. Trainloads of them. This is necessary because it's assumed that these otherwise useless people will express their gratitude by voting Democrat in every future election, local, state and national.
"That's the plan. And they won't need Attorney General Holder's New Black Panthers to make sure they do vote the right way. They won't need super-sized, gun-toting Colombian or Mexican drug cartels (Eric's special program to discredit private gun ownership) to ensure it, either, or any of the Central American criminals and gang members we're bringing in with their colorfully tattooed faces and chests. Mexico is being very cooperative - even eager, they're so envious of the U.S. - in funneling all these Central American mosquitoes through its country right up to our borders. A truly "In Your Face" example of international cooperation! Like crap through a goose, they'll come, as General Patton once put it, although I can't recall the context and I'm not really certain who he was.
"You know, those gang members, they're a lot like those Maori morons in New Zealand, who tattooed their faces and stuck their tongues out when they fought the evil white settlers in their country. Funny!
"Shssh! Don't tell anyone, but it's an open secret that this was all a manufactured crisis. Tailor-made by yours truly. A rescue operation for my pals the Democrats. Even if we must stoop to really dirty tricks to preserve their power over this country, this is what they're willing to do. As am I, to use correct English! Swamp the country with newly baked registered - or unregistered, if you will - Democrats.
"We've also made arrangements to put the mosquitoes up in fine quarters you middle class folks probably can't afford any more - and you'll pay for it, too!
"We've also established an understanding with Islam's finest representatives in this country to let Muslims pour in, too, and we'll be resettling them in the unlikeliest place - right on your doorstep and those of countless other Americans. Don't like it? Eat it.
"You people are going to have to learn how to obey my commands and fit into my agenda without protest or criticism. Just move along, there's nothing to see here. You're going to submit, dhimmi-style, as they'd call it in Islam - or else. I'm doing good, don't you see? It's the altruistic thing to do. I command, you sacrifice. It meshes very nicely with my agenda to transform this country.
"Don't bother me with Constitutional issues. I'm not interested. Some people claim I'm tearing up the Constitution. Wow! They finally noticed! That moldy piece of paper was written by a bunch of rich white guys (and, by the way, I hate the British, too!). It's time all those rights and protections and guarantees were replaced with populist principles recognized by Progressives as right and true to create a more just society, a more equitable society, a fairer society.
"And, it's only fair that these newly minted citizens have a right to send your hard-earned taxed dollars back to their home countries to keep their governments afloat and in power. These new citizens don't ever plan to return to their countries of origin, but that's your problem, not mine.
"I don't want to hear any back talk - in town hall meetings, on the sides of buildings, or anywhere - about the immigrants or where we settle them or what damage they do to your communities. One peep out of you racists and we'll send SWAT teams after you. Or file a "hate crime" or "hate speech" suit against you.
"You folks in the news media: Thanks for all your help! Love you guys! Except when you ask questions I'm not prepared to answer...truthfully, anyway. Then you're in hot water, as you already know. Drone time! (chuckles) Otherwise, keep up the fine job of believing everything I say and sharing my vision! And stop giving my press secretaries such a hard time! They become stuttering train wrecks and I might need to hire a fourth before I boggy out of the White House!
"So what if Somalians and Pakistanis and Afghanis Iraqis and Mexicans and Hondurans haven't a clue to why they're here. So what if they kill each other and go on crime sprees and play the "knockdown" game on you whites and Asians who all think you're so special because you say ‘you built it' and those poor losers didn't. You've had it coming, and I'm the master of ceremonies. And if you protest and call me a racist or a communist or some other derogatory or libelous name I'm going to get the IRS and DHS and the DEA and EPA or the HHS to target you for special attention and work to haul your asses to jail or just make your lives miserable. Just like that stupid Copt was who made that defamatory video about Muslims.
"My staff passed on to me a really scurrilous comment by some blogger about what I'm doing to his country (pardon the chuckle!), captured by the NSA. Here's what it read:
‘No borders, no standards, immigrants going wherever they want, by the tens of thousands, or where the government sends them - ours is no longer a country as an identifiable entity with lines of delineation,, but a region open to all comers who have nothing but ‘squatting rights' to claim, and in a former country with no law to back up their claims and no government to defend citizens against the squatters. Currently, under the pillaging Democrats, this is premeditated, state-managed anarchy.'"Now, that's one bright fellow! Nailed my method down with six-inch nails! Come the Revolution that's in process, we're going to have to take care of him. You know what I mean. Can't have him blabblin' all over the country! Wrote a lot of novels. My staff tells me they're blasphemous against Islam, treasonous in politics, and don't have very many minority characters in them, either. You won't find them in my library!
"I commend all my Jewish friends who are in lockstep with my agenda: Ben Bernanke, Rahm Emanuel, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, David Axlerod, Alan Dershowitz, Elena Kagan, Michael Bloomberg, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, George Soros, and Thomas Friedman - to name but a few. The rest of you Jews, go suck an egg! Shoe a goose! Wail against your stupid Wall!
"That goes for Israel, too! You go, Hamas! Kibosh their kippahs! And you guys are truly altruistic by asking your friends and relatives and children to act as human shields against Israel's bombs! You're to be patted on the back! The Pope ought to donate some of the Vatican's treasures just to keep you in cash. I think he wants to, in the name of democracy! (Faint sound of raspberries off-mike) Hope you kill as many of those damned kikes as you can! And, don't worry: We'll keep sending you millions in aid until you accomplish your end and erase that scabby country from the face of the earth!
"Folks! Just get used to the idea that I'm the Boss. Not that cracker Bruce Springsteen with his twangy music, even though he seems to be on my side. I'm the Boss! The Boss is me!
"You'll have to excuse me now. I have a golf date at Boca Pointe Club in Boca Raton. A really amazing place. It suits my lifestyle, defines my experience as a lousy golfer, as its ads say. You're paying for it, folks, as you've paid for all my outings. I have a Secret Service guy following me around as my caddy. I'd prefer a Marine, but that umbrella stunt in the Rose Garden was enough of a humiliation for that outfit. And those Marines keep saluting me! The joke's on them!
"All my friends and foolish supporters out there - Latinos, Muslims, Blacks, Leftards, friendly Jews - Keep on truckin'! Vote early and often, as a true boss man once said. Obama for America is there to help you with voter registration and false documents.
"All you others, go fly a kite! Cling to your guns. Frame your Constitution. Wave your flags! You won't have them for long!
"Good night, folks! And, to borrow a phrase from my lovable former Chicago pastor: God Damn America!"