State of the Union Address 2012

Daniel Greenfield

Jan 13th, 2012, Capitol Hill

Mister Speaker, Vice President Biden, Supreme Leader Hu Jintao, distinguished lenders and fellow indebted Americans

I would like to begin this address by congratulating the brave women and men of the 113th congress who managed to make it here tonight. I know that it was not easy reaching Washington D.C. due to the furious blizzard of what appears to be the onset of a new Ice Age. My administration has been focused on combating Global Warming, now as our planet falls farther and farther away from the sun, and polar bears have come streaming in force from the North Pole-- I pledge to you that I will put just as much effort into battling the new Ice Age, as I did in resisting Global Warming. Some of those sitting here in this chamber may take issue with me on this. And they have a right to do so. Under our North American Union system, we still have free speech. For now. But as I stand here looking down on congresspersons who have lost their limbs to polar bear attacks, Democrats, Republicans and Neo-Monarchists, I am reminded that we are all one single family. And that is why I believe that we will get through this crisis, and all the others that I will continue to cause if the voters of the North-American Union are foolish enough to elect me once again to misrepresent them.

Should my administration have seen the Ice Age coming? That is a valid question that millions of North-Americans are asking themselves tonight. Maybe we should have. If only NASA had not spent all its time on outreach to the Muslim world instead of noticing the dramatic shift in our planetary orbit around the sun, we might have been ready. But sadly when the temperature reached twenty below in Miami, top NASA scientists were busy teaching Muslim suicide bombers feel good about themselves by helping them solve a Rubik's Cube with vivid hand gestures. I have no idea whatsoever who was responsible for misdirecting NASA so badly, but I intend to find out. Even if I have to be reelected to a second term to be able to do so.

But directing blame is not what truly matters. For example some resentment has been voiced at the 2 trillion dollars we spent last year on a high speed rail system between Hawaii, Chicago and Washington D.C. If you recall in the last State of the Union address, I pledged that 80 percent of Americans would have access to High Speed Rail. And by 80 percent of Americans, I meant the 80 percent of the Americans that I knew and liked personally. The project did run into trouble building a bridge between Hawaii and Washington D.C. for the high speed trains to run over. Not only did more men die on the project, than were killed in Afghanistan and Iraq, but two trains were accidentally swallowed by blue whales. My thoughts and prayers, and Michelle's go out to the unfortunate Global Warming researchers on those trains, and the whale who ate them.

However as North-Americans, we have a 4 month tradition of refusing to bow to bad news. Not the collapse of the dollar, nor the invasion by China, or the polar bear takeovers of Seattle and Toronto and a mainstream fashion magazine calling Michelle ugly can break out spirits. Because we are committed to Thriving the Future.

Some of you may not know what Thriving the Future means. I'm not entirely sure I do either. My speechwriters have never been the same since their fingers froze off when the White House solar panels were covered over with snow. Sometimes they type things that don't really make sense. Sometimes they cry for their mommies. We could let them out of the cages, but then all hope would be lost. For my reelection campaign anyway.

And so I tell you now once again, that we will Thrive the Future. That may mean that we will thrive in the future, at some future point in time. Possibly it means that only by thriving, will we have a future. Maybe my speechwriters meant something else entirely, but their frozen tongues could not properly pronounce the word. I don't know, and it doesn't matter. Because thriving is what we do. And the future is when we do it in.

Chinese troops may be occupying most of California. Their Supreme Leader Hu Jintao is here with us right now. He has come with an ultimatum demanding that we surrender or he will kill us all. And by way of reply, I have let him know, how much I and Michelle love Chinese food and respect their ancient culture and wise traditions. China has been a world leader in industry and technology. It is an example to us all. And I am fully committed to negotiating with the Supreme Leader on any and all topics, so long as he agrees to give me more spending money.

But to the American people, I say that we will not give in. We will negotiate our hardest and come away with an agreement that we can all live with. Especially me. I draw inspiration in this from some of this nation's greatest presidents. Franklin Pierce, James Earl Carter and James Earl Jones. The words of these wise men have accompanied me into my deliberations, and when combined with the herb, Cannabis Sativa, have allowed me to reach an entirely new level of enlightenment. I am one with the molecules, Buddha, the Twelfth Imam and James Earl Jones are a part of me now. Their wisdom informs my decisions.

There are some who have called on us to use force. Like my idol, Martin Luther Gandhi, Jr, I have made a decision to strive for peace, rather than war. Only through peace can we Thrive the Future. Those who make war will not be permitted to Thrive the Future at all. Or even be told what it means.

Also when 32 of the 57 states of the union defected to join the Independent States Union, they took most of the military with them. We still have some of the coast guard and a great many angry paid union picketers. Thus far the picketers have not done well against either the Chinese army or the polar bears, but if congress approves my call to invest 40 billion dollars in educating our nation's angriest youth to protest against working conditions in Chinese factories, I have every faith and confidence that we will prevail. Or someone will anyway. Possibly the Chinese in the tanks. I'm not a military man, I don't actually know how these things work.

The good news is that our economy is recovering. We have not only broken the back of the recession, but kicked in the spleen of its brother the depression, and karate chopped the wrist of its uncle, the complete economic meltdown. The stock market is riding high thanks to its transformation from an index of companies, to an index of racehorses and greyhounds. I have been told by GE CEO Jeff Immelt that his horse, Foreseeable Disaster is coming up 4th, behind Microsoft's Blue Nag of Death, GM's Safety Issues and EcoTech's Al Gore. Betting is high and anyone who wants to get in on the action, please come see Vice President Biden in the cashier's cage to the right.

And there is still more good news. After yesterday's speech commemorating those killed in the Seattle Polar Bear Invasion, my popularity has shot up all the way to 27 percent. This puts me ahead in the polls, in front of my rivals, Republican challenger, George Prescott Bush III and my Neo-Monarchist challenger, the King of Nebraska, but still well behind Chinese Supreme Leader Hu Jintao, who has seized control of several key states.

Additionally with my new proposal to take all our remaining money and bury it in Michelle's vegetable garden, we may finally have a plan to cut spending that really works. At least until we dig it up that same night and spend it on one of those really bad ideas that I and my advisers come up with when we get high together.

I would like to direct your attention to a woman seated in the audience. Patricia Balogney from Canton, Ohio. Patricia lost her right arm to a polar bear and her left leg to frostbite. Yet she went on to enroll in a community college and come out with a degree as a professional solar panel synthesizer. And while there are no more working solar panels due to the ice age, and no job for her, I salute her courage and determination. And so should you.

Last week I spoke to a 3 month old baby who had not even learned to read yet. But he was determined to read. In his crawling and mewling, I recognized an eager mind. I recognized myself. That is why I am announcing a new plan to teach 3 month old babies to read. It is Michelle's initiative. Some experts say it can't be done. Just as some experts said that we could never get to the moon or invent Algebra or get me elected. But we proved them wrong. And I am confident that we will prove them wrong again.

Patricia's example reminds us that we should never give up on a bad idea, whether it be building a high speed rail bridge to Hawaii so I don't have to sleep overnight in the cold White House, or letting China invade half the country while the other half secedes, or electing me to this office even though I have no idea what I'm doing. Bad ideas are what make the North American Union great. Only through truly bad ideas will we Thrive the Future (TM).

So while we could waste time arguing and debating and thinking for ourselves, I ask you to join with me. To stand by me as we Thrive the Future together. When we stand united doing whatever crazy idea comes into my head, there is no force on earth that can defeat us except reality. Healthier live snail lunch program for kids. We're on it. Taxing all barbers at the highest possible rate. Done. More hair leads to less heating which leads to higher energy use, which isn't something we need to worry about because it's an Ice Age, not Global Warming, but we're on it anyway. We're on everything and under everything. We don't know what we're doing, but we're doing it anyway. Together!

We may be crazy, but sanity is overrated. Like experience. And not wrecking the country. What matters is that we're Thriving the Future. Together.

Four more years. Allah bless you and Allah bless the North American Union. Why isn't anyone applauding?