This week, our august President,
Shimon Peres, suddenly and unexpectedly began to talk again about “the New
Middle East” and the “peace accord with the Palestinians that is within easy
reach.”
Ah yes, the New Middle East, that
nirvana-like world dreamed up by imaginative minds. That easily achievable peace
with Abbas and Haniyeh. Dreamy indeed.
The president, God bless him, must be
back on the Peres pill.
The Peres pill is a powerful drug
invented by this country’s elder statesman. But be sure to read the fine print
on the label before taking this prescription-only medication:
Therapeutic activity: For the relief
of dilemmas in the peace process and uncertainties in relating to the Arab
Middle East. Induces hallucinations and wishful thinking, allowing the patient
to ignore the hostile intentions of and shrug off the threatening declarations
of neighboring Arabs. Allows the user to believe that peace is breaking out all
over. Most effective on a fatigued, depressed populace, and/or a public that has
become extremely affluent and comfortable, and no longer has the stamina for
continued struggle.
Composition: Each capsule contains 10
milligrams of valium (a relaxant that clears the mind of outdated nationalistic
fervor); 20 mg of amphetamine (stimulates feverish mental activity); 200 mg of
LSD (aids in hallucination); and 700 mg of essence of sophisticated French wine
(helps the mind ignore sobering Middle Eastern realities).
How will this medicine affect your
daily life? Use of this medicine may impair alertness to dangers and caution
should be exercised when engaging in activities such as driving a car, operating
heavy machinery or taking the helm of state. Patient is likely to develop
delusional tendencies, and to say things like “science is more important than
territory,” or “a row of five-star hotels on the Golan is a better guarantee of
peace than a line of early warning stations,” or “we will turn terrorists into
tourists and tomahawks into Toyotas,” and the like.
Takers of this drug are prone to
taking wild leaps of faith and to projecting all their good intentions onto the
adversary — a malediction known as transference. As such, they are liable to
cavalierly and hastily forgo hard national security assets without appropriate
returns or safeguards.
This drug also has been known to
activate frantic philanthropic activity aimed at planting high-tech wheat fields
on the border with the Gaza Strip, the establishment of joint biotechnology
farms with Egypt, the building of industrial parks for Mahmoud Abbas, and the
twinning of towns such as Bir Zeit and Bnei Brak. The drug-induced assumption
here is that economic advancement will cause its Arab beneficiaries to moderate
or abandon their hostile and decade-old goals of overpowering the Zionist
enemy.
Patients on the Peres pill tend to
develop a fancy for all things and leaders European, and enjoy cavorting around
the continent garnering support from kings, princesses, Marxist novelists and
intellectuals, movie stars and socialist leaders who have lots of money to throw
at the Palestinians. Users are partial to Norway, especially Oslo.
Warnings: Do not take this medicine
if your country has a waist less than 50 kilometers (31 miles) wide. You may end
up in the sea. Inform your doctor and consult first with your psychiatrist if
you are sensitive to historic, national and religious rights, to the justness of
history, or to the logic of deterrence doctrine. Patients often develop
aloofness to the common Israeli man-in-the-street, who simply doesn’t understand
the sublime and cultured approach to peace engendered by the drug. Do not take
before meals or three weeks before Israeli election day.
Side effects: In addition to the
desired effect of the medicine, adverse reactions may occur during the course of
taking this medicine, such as rapid weight and land loss; loss of fluids and
water resources; and withdrawal tendencies. Deafness — especially to Palestinian
anti-Semitism, hostile unilateralism, accusations of war crimes and ethnic
cleansing, and threats of violence — may develop. Consult your doctor and
reconsider your political affiliation immediately if you experience blindness to
Palestinian treaty violations, Iranian nuclear programs, deteriorating security
situations on the Syrian and Egyptian fronts, and the like; or if you find
yourself always excusing the other side’s gross failures and breezily
overlooking its dictatorial character.
Antidote: In case of an overdose,
take a Netanyahu pill or equivalent for four more years. Proceed immediately to
a hospital emergency room or an emergency bomb shelter.
Recommended dosage and directions for use:
This is experimental medicine. Effects of the drug for the long term have not
been proven. Take at your own risk. Not recommended for children, the
faint-hearted or those involved in diplomatic negotiations. Adults: One capsule
only if necessary, chewed slowly and cautiously. Keep your guard up and army in
a ready state when under the influence of this psychotropic drug. Do not swallow
whole. Keep out of the hands of sitting prime ministers and foreign ministers
who need to secure the country.
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